McGoofy's MacWorld Predictions: So Good You'll Want to Lick Them

Macworld Expo is coming up and my dog just died. Frankly I am busy missing my dog but I am going the extra mile for both of my loyal readers (yes, I love you Mom and Dad) and making bold predictions about the newness sure to be unveiled at Macworld. Steve Jobs loves making a big media splash and what better forum than Macworld Expo! The reader should note that the following predictions are just that and as predictions these particular guesses should be given the requisite status due: rock hard guarantees. Yes I am guaranteeing every one of these incredibly bold predictions, money back if not fully satisfied.

I'll start with a word of advice, buy all the Apple stock you can afford. Screw the price, you want this stock! Many people don't realize that owning Apple stock is the quick fix to my financial freedom. I own fifty shares, if the stock goes to 10,000 (adjusted for splits) I can get that boat I have been eyeing.

Once you've drained the college funds here's what's definitely going to happen, for sure, without a doubt. A new iMac will be introduced with a LCD screen. This iMac will be called "iMac." The great thing about this computer will not be the cool industrial design but the fact that it can read your thoughts. Apple gave up the speech recognition idea pioneered with the 660av and now jumps straight to thought recognition. If you are sitting in front of your new iMac and idly wonder if you left the iron on the Mac will sense this and immediately send you to ismyironon.com. Once there the site will query the electric company and calculate the average power consumption of your abode. Should this fall outside a predictable range you will be informed your iron is on. Unplug the iron whilst beating out the flames surrounding you. The new iMac will be powered by a 750 MHz G3 feature a 35 gigabyte hard drive, two fire wire and two USB ports along with aptly named ESP port with a speed limit of 88 Kbps. It will also lose the CD-ROM drive. Instead of just adding a CD-RW files will instead be stored for transport directly in the users brain. This will bring up some Windows platform exchange issues but the peecee world will quickly copy Apple and come up with an XP version. Unfortunately it can only be used by people with an IQ over 200 and born after 1980. Additionally, users crash much more frequently giving rise to the new saying: "Blanked Brain of Death."

On the top end Apple will introduce the G4LIFE. Realizing that baby boomers are a significant untapped market the G4LIFE monitors a tiny user implanted sensor and provides real time pulse rate, glucose level and oxygen saturation. Should any of these indicators fall outside of life sustaining level your G4LIFE will query an insurance database and call the appropriate hospital. If you are uninsured CPR instructions will appear in a PDF file format. For less serious conditions the G4LIFE will divine the diagnosis from the Internet then use Sherlock to look for available treatment options. The G4LIFE will also contact your HMO, the cheapest alternative will be chosen and your appointment time will be e-mailed to you.

No one expects much out of the mobile market, the ibook is still new and the titanium is still hot (literally). Steve will surprise everyone with the EYE book. Through a series of complicated implants you will see the computer screen directly on your retina and tap your thigh for keyboard input. Fortunately, the user will define mouse functions to a specific body part of their choosing. An airport base will be either internal or external but both configurations will require a small antenna to be exposed to the open air. While I expect the EYE book to be well received the current ibook commercial will be redone. In the commercial's latest incarnation the user is going to sit there with a goofy look on his face. His row mates will not ask what he's doing rather they will ask the attendant to find them new seats. Well, that's about all my crystal ball has to offer up for the time being. Through a milky haze I do see something about OS XXX being announced and promised for sometime in mid November. It's radical departure and the fate of Apple will depend on the success or failure of OS XXX. Luckily the operating system will be continually delayed until well into the next century.